4 keys that helped me process and heal after major losses.
How do we get back to joy, when we are grieving? Grief can be so deep and so painful, it can seem impossible to ever find joy again. But if we can find our way back to peace with Jesus, it will eventually lead us back to joy.
So much loss and heartbreak around us
We live in a world with so much loss and heartbreak. We experience it in our own lives and we see all around us.
When God created human beings, He created us to live in the Garden of Eden where there was no death, separation and loss. Our hearts are not used to it nor do we have a natural way to deal with it. That’s why it can cause such deep pain when we are forced to be separated from a person, a job or a situation we loved and gave our hearts to.
Some of the biggest chances in our lives for good are new family members, new jobs, new homes. So it makes sense that some of the biggest losses we experience are loss of family members or people close to us, loss of a job, loss of a home.
None of us are immune to this. We all experience it, and new losses come throughout the course of our lives. But the good news is that Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross can bring healing to our grief as well and He is right there to walk us through it.
A couple of years ago, as I was once again walking through grief, The Holy Spirit gave me some insights and four practical keys that would help me process what I was feeling and walk it out with Jesus.
This is not a quick fix. And depending on your loss you may want to use these steps over and over. But it has been such a life-saver for me over the past years, that I didn’t want to keep it to myself any longer.
Be patient with yourself
Before I take you through the four keys, I want to remind you to be patient and kind to yourself. As much as we may want it, the process of grieving does not have a quick fix. Sadness comes in waves. You may think you’re fine and then something unexpected triggers it again. It is important to acknowledge it, feel it and not get angry or impatient with yourself.
James 1:12 says, “God blesses those who patiently endure testing”.
I find that so interesting. Why did he say ‘patient’ and not ‘strong’ or ‘ courageous’ in testing?
I don’t know about all trials, but it sure fits in the trials of grief. The best thing to do is be patient. Lean into God. Trust Him. He will get you through.
We may want to push the feelings aside or turn our backs on God, because we blame Him for letting this happen or bury ourselves in self pity. But none of these will help the healing process. Only trusting God, allowing ourselves to feel the pain and giving it to Him, is how we will come out stronger on the other side.
The initial shock
Losing a loved one or a job or home can sometimes come out of nowhere and give us a shock. If something has just happened to you, allow the shock to wear off a bit before you start to process your grief.
Your heart and mind is probably in turmoil, trying to make sense of what just happened. Your life has just changed, maybe in a big way. And there is no going back. Our hearts and minds need time to process and adjust. Many things in your life may need to change because of this loss.
After the initial shock settles and your soul tries to catch up, you may need to walk through a season of grief, even if you’re moving on with your new life.
Embracing the new season, however hard, is better than trying to hold on to the old season.
These are the four keys the Holy Spirit gave me to walk through grief with Jesus. They have helped me process and heal. Jesus is right there, even if we don’t feel it. And He wants to walk this journey with us. Help carry the pain and heal the broken pieces in our hearts.
1. What have you lost?
The first key is to acknowledge what you have lost. It’s okay to feel it. And it may bring out tears. When tears come out, God’s mercy can come in.
What did you love about that person, job, ministry or situation that you are going to miss? Talk it through with Jesus. Tell Him about it. Bring it to Him when something new comes up that you will miss.
When someone dear to us dies we will run into situations, places and conversations over and over that will remind us of them. It may bring sadness because we know we will never experience that with them again. That’s okay and normal. The best thing to do is bring it to Jesus. Let Him know you loved this and will miss it. Let Him comfort you.
I often journal when I talk to Jesus, because it helps me slow down and see more details. And He often reveals new things to me as I do. Listing the things you loved that you will miss can also be a way of surrender to Jesus.
Forgiveness plays a big role as well. If you feel bitterness or resentment when you start to list what you have lost, ask Jesus to help you forgive.
It may be people involved in your loss that you need to forgive, like your boss or others who forced this situation on you. It may be yourself you need to forgive, if you feel like your own actions caused this loss. It may even be God you need to forgive, if you feel God is to blame for this situation. Not because God did something wrong, but because our hearts need to let Him off the hook.
Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s a choice. And we can choose to say out loud, ‘I forgive … for … ’ no matter how we feel. And as we continue to do this when bitterness or resentment arises, we will experience the freedom forgiveness brings and how it helps us heal in our grieving process.
So, be careful not to make the list into something that blames God for what you lost. Only make it to acknowledge the pain and loss and let Jesus carry it with you.
2. What do you still have?
Seeing, enjoying and being grateful for what we still have will help us start to change our perspective.
If you have lost a loved one, maybe you can try to focus on the loved ones you still have. Your spouse, your children, your friends, your church family.
If you have lost a job or ministry, maybe you still have useful skills and tools you can help people with in other ways. You may need to look for a new job, but even the extra time at home for a while can be a blessing to you, your family, your neighbors or friends.
No matter how bad our losses are, there are still things to be grateful for. I’m not saying it will be easy. Nothing about grieving is easy. But focusing on creating a new life around these will help the process along. Being grateful is such a powerful tool for our souls to start healing.
3. What things are now uncertain in your life?
Creating a new life without that person or job or situation is not easy. We will need God’s help. It can seem overwhelming at times. But when I start to write down the things that used to be secure but now aren’t, it helps me feel less overwhelmed. I can surrender it to God and ask for specific help.
If you or your spouse lost a job, your income and ability to provide and pay the bills have gone from a place of safety and security to a place of deep uncertainty. Bring it to God. He is our provider. He has promised He will never leave you or fail you. Trust that He will bring the solutions and take care of you.
4. Who else is grieving?
Sometimes we are alone in our loss and grief. But often it hits someone else too. Keeping these people in mind and asking Jesus how you can help them in their pain, can actually be a way to heal your own pain.
A death in the family will leave other family members in pain as well. They will also have to walk through grief and transition to a life without that family member. Maybe we can help ease their pain or make their transition softer.
If the company you worked for is going bankrupt and all your colleagues are being laid off as well, maybe there is a way to be there for some of them too, to help them in their pain and transition.
It will always seem easier just to focus on ourselves and our own pain. But when we hurt, helping others will actually help us too. That’s just the way God created us.
Patience, beauty and creativity
Grieving is a process that can feel like a marathon. It is not a sprint or quick fix.
Being patient and kind to ourselves and others going through grief is so important. It allows time and grace for healing and transition.
You may have to cut back on some things in your daily routine, and not push yourself to do something just because you normally do it. Trust God to bring you back there again.
Beauty and creativity is so good for our souls. It slows things down, helps us stop and breathe, and appreciate life again. Whenever possible, try to get into God’s beautiful nature or do something creative like art or music or whatever you’re good at and enjoy.
One season ending doesn’t mean God has been caught off guard. He has a way through and He knows the process to the other side can be hard. But He is with us in the fire and He always brings beauty for ashes.
